“And Jesus said unto his deciples: ‘and that’s how you pull the perfect fart prank, but that’s not important.’

‘Oh, tell us, wise one, after you kick it on the cross, how do you want people to remember your zombification?’ asked an astute deciple, who was probably called Peter or Paul or some shit, because weren’t most of them named so?

‘Good question,’ answered Jesus, cracking up another beer with the one and and slaying the terrible Easter Bunny/Platypus Hybrid of Caerbannog with the other, with a naked upper body in a very heterosexual way.

‘Only by annoying people incessantly, will they truly love me. I therefore say, let all shops be closed during Easter, because that will bug the hell out of people, and only then will they realize how much they love me,’ said the wise one (was Jesus wise?), while putting out his cigarette because god hates fags.

And so it became because a wizard did it.”

– John 13.6-14.3