I wouldn’t call myself an expert on crashes on bikes, but after this morning’s elegant flight over the handlebars I do have more samples than we usually did in my statistics class at university, so I feel completely able to draw come general conclusions.

1) most bike crashes happen to the left. Barely did my left knee and elbow heal from my last crash before I lovingly retraced the wounds with the artistic pen of the asphalt.

2) most bike crashes are caused by sinister static objects. The past few crashes have been caused by me driving into non-moving objects sneakily moving into place, as I innocently bike towards them while minding my own business checking e-mail or engaging in a stimulating conversation on Facebook (about a bonus track from the Japanese version of a Britney album).

2a) teenagers and old people on any means of transport count as static objects.

3) old people are more deadly in traffic than an army of epileptics with machine guns.

4) there will always be some broad asking whether you’re fine and totally believe when you say yes despite blood visibly drenching your clothes.